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 if it sounds like it makes no sense,

then it probably doesn't.

you REALLY need to get your shit together. think something normal, say something normal.

can never plan enough.

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i'm blocked. 

i'm blocked writing this. it's like my true feelings on the matter are external to me, but inaccessible.

points of data floating in space around my head, and completely unquantifiable.

this is 35% me. there's more there. i just can't crack the bone and flesh layer out of my skull to grab these datapoints. if i could break inside them and touch their warmth, everything would just be so simple. i'd be able to say how i feel completely, and maybe you would come back.

god. it'd be so lovely to simply touch those points.

"that's always the goal, isn't it, brother? to have her come back. every word is a strategy. some machination to seem more interesting, more appealing." 

there's a sense of finality in just being yourself and letting whatever be whatever. let the cards fall where they may. but i can't grasp that. i won't

"don't talk right away. don't send too many messages. wait before replying. show her you don't want to talk to her. melt the ice properly, then you'll already BE talking"

but i don't want to talk to her anyway, right? true heroes move on. true heroes understand that the world is a game of numbers and that there's plenty of fish in the sea. let her go

"let her go?

every time we speak, it is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME opportunity to win. her. back. do NOT screw it up. fuck you."

i've never felt pain like this before on such a grand scale. it builds slowly and stealthily. it culminates in an explosion, and thousands of factors add to it.

"don't think about how EVERY. SINGLE. TIME you've lied down in bed for the past year it has become plainly evident you're alone in that bed, and that bed is the place she should be. the RIGHTFUL place."

she's happy. she's doing well, romantically and professionally. 

but when i'm near her, i feel our electrochemistry. i'm drawn in. i want to tell her her skin is holy, and soft. but she'd tell me it isn't, and that it's normal. i know it's normal. it isn't

when i'm near her, i want to tell her i'd do anything to make it work. anything. i'd become anyone. i have that ability. i'd do anything.

"brother, you should put me infront of a firing squad. there is no words for how i've failed you."

"she's moving on.

you're standing still.

she'll eventually forget you.

everyone's told you this. everyone here with us now, and literally everyone in your life. EVERYONE warned you."

when you leave, you don't look back. i still always watch. why are we so mismatched?

i'm not mad at you. i promise i'm not. i just wish i had that power, that's all.

and i want to tell you these things so badly. but what would it accomplish?

"you'd ruin it. you're going to ruin it. don't beg. she'd find you disgusting. there's still a chance. you just need to wait longer. she'll call you. hold on longer here brother"

still blocked. i'm still. blocked

i'm a sad, sad little man. pretending to be bigger and stronger than i am 

she used to think she couldn't live without me. i still do. she's told me she can, now. live without me, i mean. and she's told me i will one day too. i felt so pathetic when she told me that.

"it isn't possible. it's not. it's just not possible. it's like eating rocks. you just can't do it."

i write this with that pain in my chest about to burst. but what happens and is about to happen now, and i'm stuck on this loop, is my sense of will and volition comes in to rescue me temporarily. here's what it's saying. welcome, my friend. protect me, just for a bit longer.

subdue the regret. dust yourself off, and proceed. you'll get it in the next life, where you don't make mistakes. do what you can here with this one, while you're alive. 

don't focus on the pain. focus on doing your job. if you keep moving, it'll happen. you'll forget her name, and what she looks like eventually.

you made this vow a long time ago. you just need to remain headstrong. steel yourself. push on. it's about time you stop embarrassing yourself. nearly a year, and you're not over it. relax. she's gone. distance yourself from it. concentrate on what REALLY matters. breath in, and walk away. you'll find someone new. find someone better.

i know it's just trickery. smoke and mirrors. i know we'll be here again.

i'll come back to this post. i'm hoping writing it down helps.

"it won't"